Monday, January 20, 2014

Why the Aesir Can't Have Nice Things


Why the Aesir Can’t Have Nice Things
Or; The Death of Baldr Retold
By Lauren

The Aesir are the Norse gods. Like the Olympians, but more like the Norselympians.

ODIN:
OH NOES!! Baldr is doomed to die!!

FRIGGA: 
But he can't die! He’s so beautiful! That’s why we call him: Baldr the Beautiful.

THOR: 
No! He must not die!

FRIGGA: 
I will ask everything in the known universe to pretty please not kill Baldr.

THE AESIR:
YAYY!!!!!

FRIGGA: (waves hand and makes sparkly noises)
Poof! You are now protected forever and ever!!!

BALDR:
Much protect.
Very not die.
Wow.

THOR:
Let us throweth things at Baldr to see if they hurt him!!!!

EVERYONE STANDS IN A CIRCLE AND TRIES TO KILL BALDR! HE DOESN'T DIE!

THIS OBVIOUSLY MAKES THIS A REALLY GOOD IDEA!!!!

LOKI:  (sidles up)
Heeeey, FRIGGA, what up sweetheart?

FRIGGA:
Oh, not much, just trying to kill Baldr, you know how it is.

LOKI:
SOOO you know, there's nothing you could have forgotten to ask not to kill Baldr, you know, like, some sort of plant or weapon or anything?

FRIGGA: 
Well, I was like, going to include mistletoe but then I was like, you know, too much work, ya know? So yeah, mistletoe will totally kill him but who would even think of that, right? Hahahaha.

LOKI: 
Cool story bro.
*Vanishes*

EVERYONE IS STILL THROWING THINGS AT BALDR!

BALDR:
Very spear.
Much safe.
Gosh.

LOKI: 
Heeeeeey blind brother of Baldr named Hoor! What’s up? Hey, all these people trying to kill your brother. Wanna join in the fun? Take this bow that’s totally not loaded with a mistletoe arrow. Hehehe...

HOOR:
Umm okay. Why would mistletoe be a problem -

LOKI:
Hey, let’s shoot the arrow now!!!

HOOR SHOOTS ARROW

BALDR:
Much die!
Very pain.
So dead.
Wow.

BALDR DIES.

THE AESIR: 
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!


LOKI:


END

4 comments:

  1. LOL, I remember this myth. Funny retelling!

    ReplyDelete
  2. This was fantastic. Loved it 8-D

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks, guys! Glad you liked it. It sure made me laugh while writing it. :)

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  4. I am now reading all Norse myths in Internet lingo and Gifs

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